So.

 

It looks like I am supposed to relax about this job thing.

But that is a loose “supposed to” since I know the

minute I start panicking – and I will – I’ll begin to think

I’m “supposed to” be more aggressive in my job search.

 

There are a lot of decisions at hand. Settle, don’t settle.

Go to school, use the degree you have, none of the above.

 

And the worst part is of course that you are the only one

who ever thinks your problems are problems. Every single

person alive but you has a solid, workable solution. That can be

pretty infuriating.

 

One stranger whose name I still don’t know, told me yesterday

that I ought to work a day job and use that money to pay for

school at night. How lovely that she can find said job. I’m sure

it has nothing to do with the fact that she had 2 incomes for the

last 40 years, her job was raising three children while teaching

school (probably the one they went to) and having the desire to

go back for more education in the first place.

 

Everything is not about what I desire, that’s true. But when something

repulses me, it repulses me for a reason. I’m also sure that I’ve been

doing something wrong, and that it would benefit me a lot to find out what

it is, and make a drastic change.

 

Not going deep into debt is very important to me. Because even though

it may give you some semblance of being on your feet and on your

own, it will tie itself to you for the rest of your life.  I don’t want to

take out a loan and go back to school. I have $100,000 working in my favor.

A fee which I have yet to reclaim an ounce of, unless you consider the proverbial

money I’ve saved while living with my grandmother due to unemployment.

 

Being self-sufficient is also important to me. But this seems to be a dream

that eludes me. And oh how heavily and desperately I’ve blamed myself.

I can’t find the right job, I settle, I don’t settle, I do something I love,

I do something I hate. I follow pipe dreams, I abandon dreams, I pursue

stability, I accept life without stability. I pray! I commit my plans to God.

I skip prayer, I start doing things without His response. And to be frank, it’s

felt for a long time that I’d be waiting ’til I was starving in the gutter for God to

give me any guidance. It’s NOT fair for the Lord to conduct a relationship with me

that is not only nearly devoid of any viable, real communication… but to surround

me with people who want me to believe that He IS communicating with me.

 

He’s not, because communication involves a sender and a receiver. What kind of

god sends message after message to someone who is not receiving them. Try

a different route, God; I’m the finite one here.