Is it true that the more selfish you are, the less you enjoy life? And does selfishness only breed selfishness, until people are essentially stuck to themselves?

As I reached toward my mid twenties, the world was expanding for me, and now that I’m coming back down from the middle the world seems to be closing in around me. I trim everything down until I feel I can handle it. Does this signify a need for control and therefore a flaw? Or is this what’s supposed to happen?

If human beings are made of energy, and we can’t die without our energy passing into another form, should we go ahead and spend whatever energy we have, knowing that we can’t use it up?

Why is it that when I feel like I’m helping people, I feel useless, and when I’m making money to support myself, I feel important?

How can I feel hatred toward someone simply because they aren’t doing what I think they should do? Am I insisting on moral absolutes, or am I somehow justifying my own approach to life by judging the rest?

There is a different frame of mind that I find myself in, whenever I think about historic times and cultures. When I put myself in their shoes,. I think of all the things I know that they probably didn’t. I wonder how they got by, and I get the distinct sense that everything that ever mattered to them has been forgotten. and buried underground. But when I think of myself of course I never feel the same pity. No doubt in 100 years some child will hear of the things I once believed and laugh, because I was so obviously wrong. And for some reason, one that I really can’t explain, I’ve begun to actually feel that my whole life, even the present moment, is history.  It seems so far gone – so outdated. It’s the same mindset…  as though I drive a buggy and meet my friends at the saloon for poker, when I’m driving to O’Henry’s for coffee. The only thing in my life that I can tell might be contributing to this is my ever-growing acceptance of all systems as corrupt.  I wish we would dialog less about the Bible being written by imperfect men, and more about the law of the land being written by him too, and upheld by his sons, and perpetuated by corrupted virtues. It’s very odd to feel like my life is expiring right before my eyes. Every day feels like a step toward history, rather than a new tomorrow. I feel like I’m walking backwards in time. What would cause me to feel dead while I’m alive? Some faulty belief system? Some missing hope? Some unseen emptiness around me?

Is it true that the battle of the sexes is the only one that will never end? Is it because everyone has a gender, and thus no one is deemed credible enough to call a truce?

Why can’t I let go of what others think of me? Ever?

Why do I look in the mirror to feel real, then when I look away, feel that my soul is screaming at me that it wants to get out of me?

I am starting to really believe that everything has stopped. Did I cause this? Am I a victim of my own perspective, or the only real friend it has?

Is it capitalism’s fault that I associate self worth with net worth? Or is it a natural inclination, the desire for independence and the need to think literally anything is possible if I work hard enough?

I have loved and lost, and I have been loved and been lost, and I still feel like I’ve never lived or loved. It would seem that love is an answer for many of my petty concerns and insecurities, but that’s impossible for me since I scrutinize flaws in loving just as harshly as I do every other behavior of mine. Can I possibly let go of selfishness and just love, if I’m consistently disappointed in my attempts at loving? Is there nothing I can do to ease this?

Is life just a string of events in which we become more and more shocked at the things we do and the areas where we’re not very strong? Is this the same question I’ve asked for the last 5 years? Am I seeking humility, but then rejecting it when I find it? And who’s going to help me, if I can’t follow all the rules to find someone?

Am I lazy?